Dating someone with chronic pain

Dating someone with chronic pain: 10 things to consider

So, you’ve met someone you like, and they tell you that they have chronic pain.  You may have lots of questions, and it’s likely that you’re wondering how their chronic pain will affect you and your relationship with them.

The fact that you’re searching for information about dating someone with chronic pain tells me a couple of things. 

Firstly, that you’re pretty interested in that person (or you wouldn’t be here reading this).  And secondly, that they’re pretty interested in you (or it’s unlikely they’d have even mentioned the fact they live with chronic pain).

So, you’re off to a great start!

Here are 10 things to keep in mind when dating someone with chronic pain.

1.  Everyone’s experience of chronic pain is different

This for me, is the most crucial thing to get across to anyone who is trying to understand what it might be like to get into a relationship with someone. 

The way a person experiences pain can depend on a variety of factors, including the severity of the pain, how much it impacts their day-to-day life, social and psychological factors, and where they are in their chronic pain ‘journey’.

For example, some people will have had chronic pain for many years, while others may have recently been injured or developed their health condition. 

So, some will have had longer to come to terms with it, they will have had opportunity to grieve, and to learn strategies for managing, while others might be newer to the experience.

Some people will experience pain so severe that it places a lot of limitations on what they can physically do, while others will have more moderate or mild levels of pain that doesn’t impact their activity as much.  Many people experience both at different times.

Some people with chronic pain will have a great support network of friends, family and perhaps health professionals, which can help them cope with the pain and its effect on their lives, while others may not be as fortunate and have to manage things alone.

People also differ in how pain affects them mentally and emotionally, based on many things, including past experiences and beliefs.

A person’s experience of pain varies according to what the cause of the pain was, what part of the body is affected, etc. Even two people with the same health condition can experience different levels of pain, or differ in how it affects them.

I’m sure you get the picture. 

The point is, there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to chronic pain, or to dating someone with chronic pain.  But there are some general issues that can apply to many.

2. Find out what it’s like for them

With that in mind, it could be helpful all round if you were to understand what it’s like for them.  One of the toughest things for people with chronic pain is having people they care about not understanding.

Misunderstandings around the pain can put distance between people in relationships. And who wants that?

It can be hard for some people to explain their experience of pain.  For some, it’s easier to explain it in terms of how it affects them in their everyday activities and other areas of their lives.

While there are many things that people with chronic pain have in common, the only way to truly learn about it is from the person you are dating themselves.

“What’s it like for you?”

An open question like this is ideal, as it gives your date the opportunity to disclose as much as they feel comfortable with sharing with you at that particular time.

Some people take longer than others to build trust or feel comfortable in someone’s company to talk about personal subjects.  It can be helpful to be mindful of that and show that you’re interested and curious in a way that doesn’t potentially have them feeling overwhelmed.

I talk more about understanding someone with chronic pain in my post on helping someone with chronic pain.

Approaching the issue with caring curiosity and making an effort to understand, while showing empathy lays a good foundation for being able to talk about it in future. 

3. Plan suitable date venues and activities together

Understanding and being able to comfortably talk about how the chronic pain affects them will help you to be able to plan together suitable venues and activities for dates.

Depending on how it affects their mobility, certain places will be more accessible for them.  The physical impacts of the pain can mean that some activities are more difficult for them to do.

Some people may not be able to go for long walks in the countryside, for example, while others may not be able to lift a bowling ball. 

For some with chronic pain, sitting for too long can be uncomfortable, even for the time it takes to order and eat a meal at a restaurant.

Check in with them if there are any sorts of locations or activities to avoid when planning future dates.  That way, they get to focus on the actual date they’re having with you and not the increasing level of pain they might be in while doing an unsuitable activity.

4. Chronic pain can vary from day-to-day

Following on from that, it could be entirely possible for someone with chronic pain to manage a particular activity one day, and not the next. 

The nature of the pain for some people is it can seem unpredictable.  For others, their pain can worsen after specific, activities so they may manage them at the time, but it could mean that they are out-of-action afterwards. 

This tends to be an aspect of chronic pain that people find easiest to misunderstand.  It can be confusing to others when a person seems fine with something one day, but unable to do things the next.

5.  Don’t take it personally if your date needs to reschedule

With this in mind, don’t take it personally if you’ve planned a date together and the person occasionally needs to reschedule, or do something different.

This aspect of having chronic pain can be one of the most difficult things in any relationship with someone who doesn’t really understand the variability or unpredictability of the pain.

Chances are they’d be happy to still meet with you to chill and chat.  On the other hand, the pain could be so severe that day that they’d rather be alone until the flare up has passed.

Almost certainly, they’ll be as disappointed as you if they do need to cancel a date.

6. Consider your values if you’re dating seriously

This applies to everyone who isn’t just dating casually really.  But there are some specific ways to think about it when dating someone with chronic pain.

Think about your personal values and the expectations you have around them. 

For example, if much of your free time centers around mountain climbing, and it’s really important to you that your partner shares your interests, maybe it’s not the best idea to date someone who has limited mobility. 

If you have traditional values around the roles of each spouse in a marriage, and it’s important to you that your life partner is able to provide a certain level of financial security, or that they enjoy being a home maker, perhaps you should evaluate how important that is to you if you’re dating someone who is unable to work or always keep a spotless home.

Of course, that’s not to say the person you’re dating is automatically unable to do specific things because of chronic pain. Lots of people with chronic pain are employed.

But if their experience of pain means that they’re unlikely to be able to meet the kinds of expectations you have around your personal values, you might not be a good fit.

7. Be honest if you don’t think they’re the right match for you

Following on from that, just be honest if you don’t think the person that you’re dating will be the right match for you.

It just saves a whole bunch of hurt feelings if you’re honest about this early on.

8. There’s so much more to them than chronic pain

Even though chronic pain can be a significant factor in someone’s life, it’s just one part of them. 

If you would like to date someone, you’re clearly already attracted to many of their qualities or characteristics. 

And if slowing down your pace while you’re with them means you get to stop and smell the roses, then it’s not a bad thing.

9. Chronic pain isn’t always a troubling issue in relationships

A lot of information we read about chronic pain and relationships focuses on the challenging ways that chronic pain can impact people’s relationships.  It can potentially come across as off-putting for the new dating partner to see all that information about chronic illness and relationship struggles.

Or perhaps you already have certain beliefs about it that makes it seem quite daunting.

In many ways it can be harder for couples who met before the person with chronic pain had their injury or health condition, as it can dramatically alter the dynamics of that relationship in a way that can feel uncomfortable for both spouses.

They often have to find ways to adapt for that relationship to continue to thrive.  They’re both struggling to come to terms with the life changing event and how they fit with it, individually and as a couple.

They often both go through a grieving process as it becomes apparent that the some of the shared dreams and plans they had imagined for their future together may have to be put on hold or abandoned.

When dating a new partner, it can be quite a different experience. 

Chances are the person with chronic pain may have already lived through some of the toughest parts, and might have come to accept the chronic pain and have learned coping skills and ways to manage it.

For you, it can be easier because you have the opportunity to understand how chronic pain affects them from the outset.  You have the opportunity to consider what this might mean for you and your relationship with them.

As someone new in their life, your perspective of their pain is more likely to be acceptance of it as just a part of them, and not as the ‘enemy’ that has stolen your future vision. 

10. Everyone has their own personal challenges

We’ve all got things going on in our lives, or things that have happened to us, or personal challenges that we’re dealing with long-term. 

For some, that might be chronic pain or some other chronic illness.  For others, it might be a mental health challenge.  Others might be dealing with ADHD, caring for a family member, etc. 

In that respect, people with chronic pain are no different to anyone else. 

Spend some time getting to know them, as a person who just happens to have chronic pain.

You’ve taken time to consider some of the aspects of dating someone with chronic pain.  So, if you think you’ll be a good fit for each other, go make that date!

Related post: Chronic Pain And Relationships: How They Change Each Other.