‘A silver lining’ – they say every cloud has one.
Having a parent with chronic pain can have its challenges. A parent with severe chronic pain may have limited mobility and could be unable to partake in family life in the ways that they would like. Though children could potentially gain many valuable attributes and life skills from the experience.
Quite often it’s the challenges that families face with a parent with chronic pain we hear about. This can feed into the guilt and despair that many parents with chronic pain already feel.
I’m a parent with chronic pain. I have two children who are now adults, and my injury happened when they were both infants.
My feeling of guilt was almost excruciating at times. It hurt every bit as much as the physical pain.
I felt guilty that I couldn’t sit my children on my lap to hug and play with them, among other things. I felt great sadness that I couldn’t be the mother that I imagined I would be.
Being a parent can be such a big part of a person’s sense of identity, of who they are and the way they think of themselves. The social role of ‘parent’ comes with many preconceived ideas and beliefs that we hold about what it means to be a parent.
When chronic pain interferes with someone’s ability to be a parent in the way they believe a parent should be, they can experience a lot of difficult feelings around not being able to live up to their expectations.
Parents with chronic pain often overextended themselves physically in an attempt to overcome these difficult feelings.
It can lead to them getting into a cycle of ‘boom and bust’ with their pain – overdoing things and experiencing a flare up, then having to stop completely, before circling through the cycle again.
I wanted to write article this to raise awareness of the impact of chronic pain on families. But I would like to try to present a balanced account, so as not to feed into a parent’s feeling of guilt. .
I would like to discuss some of the potentially positive aspects of having a parent with chronic pain, along with the more challenging impacts of chronic pain on a family.
How chronic pain can affect a family
Chronic pain can affect a family in a variety of ways. It can impact the family socially, psychologically and financially, all of which can cause strain. However, it can potentially bring family members closer together as they find ways to adapt, and focus on gratitude for the good in their lives.
Now let’s look at some of the potential challenges a family can face, followed by the potential positives of having a parent with chronic pain.
The potential challenges
The way in which chronic pain can limit a parent’s physical ability impacts the family in several ways. On a practical level, it can affect the family’s finances which impacts the family’s lifestyle and can restrict their choices.
The chronic pain can physically interfere with the family’s ability to enjoy activities together, of the kind that many other families might take for granted.
Plans might have to be abandoned at short notice, if the parent is experiencing severe pain that day. Family routines may be disrupted by frequent visits to clinics or hospital.
Children may sometimes feel like they’re missing out on things that they see other families doing together. Parents with pain can feel deeply sad to miss out on special events in a child’s life.
Having a parent with chronic pain can mean that children have to take on more responsibility at an earlier age. They may also help more with taking care of younger siblings.
They may have worries about their parent and how they will manage in the future. They can experience feelings of alarm, concern or overwhelm when witnessing their parent’s suffering.
The long-term nature of chronic pain means that many of its impacts are felt long-term too, which can be draining for all concerned, and can leave less energy for dealing with some of the other difficulties that every family faces.
Chronic pain in the family can take its toll on everyone emotionally and psychologically. A large-scale study in 2012 found an increased risk of symptoms of anxiety and depression in adolescents when both parents had chronic pain, compared to children whose parents did not have chronic pain.
The researchers also noted that girls with a mother with chronic pain had an increased risk of conduct problems in school.
Having a parent with chronic pain can be like having a big dark cloud overhead sometimes, that for sure. It can help to be aware of potential challenges, to know what to watch out for.
Though it’s not all bad.
The potential positives
People talk of the good that can come from having a parent with chronic pain.
Even though witnessing pain can be painful, children can learn many positive things from growing up with a parent with chronic pain.
“She taught me strength”
Strength, resilience and determination are all required to manage living with constant pain. People report feeling fiercely proud of what their parents can achieve despite their pain.
When children have an understanding of what strength it can take for a parent in pain to get up and do the kinds of things that many take for granted, it can teach them that they too are capable of overcoming obstacles.
No matter what life throws at them, they can know that they too will have the strength to carry on and find ways through it.
The parent can model persistence and resolve – every day they are showing their childrenthat even when life is hard, and even when they fail, they persevere until they find a way to manage the situation.
Not being able to do certain things with their parent can help children learn to appreciate the things that they do have together. It may also teach them not to take their health for granted.
Having a parent with severe chronic pain can mean that children become independent at a younger age, managing to be responsible for themselves through their parent not being physically able to do everything for them.
As with other life changing events, it can help a family to become closer. A child whose parent has limited mobility will likely have spent more time just being with them, rather than doing lots of things together.
This could also mean that they feel emotionally close to each other.
Watching parents figuring out solutions to the problems that arise from dealing with chronic pain can teach children how to problem solve. It can help them learn coping skills and to manage difficult situations, and can also inspire faith in themselves and their own ability.
Parents with chronic pain talk about the characteristics of their children, like being empathetic, compassionate, understanding and considerate of others.
I see many aspects of how my children are, and wonder how much of that came from having a parent with chronic pain.
My daughter has always been very emotionally aware. She is sensitive to the feelings of others and is attentive and caring. Meanwhile, my son is kind, protective and encouraging.
So, family members of people with chronic pain can potentially be affected in a variety of positive ways.
And hey…
If you’re a parent struggling with feelings of guilt, please try to hold those potential positives in the front of your mind.
Try to focus on the things that you can do for and with your children – not to deny the harder aspects, but to help prevent spinning your wheels in a pointless cycle of boom and bust, while being in a state of despair over your limitations.
Try to focus on who, not what you are as a parent.
I know it can be really tough at times to have a parent or be a parent with chronic pain. But this cloud can have a silver lining.
You may be interested in some of my other articles about chronic pain in the family, on topics such as having your family understand chronic pain, how chronic pain and relationships change each other, or how to help someone with chronic pain, and self-care tips for caregivers living with someone with chronic pain.
References
Jannike Kaasbøll, Stian Lydersen, Marit S. Indredavik, Psychological symptoms in children of parents with chronic pain—the HUNT study, PAIN®, Volume 153, Issue 5, 2012, Pages 1054-1062. ISSN 0304-3959.