It can be tough to witness someone you care about struggling with chronic pain when you want to help them. Oftentimes people aren’t sure what to do, what to say, or how to help. If you would like to help someone with chronic pain, here’s what to keep in mind.
People with chronic pain have different needs at different times. Find out specifically what kind of help they would like. Empathy, help with problem solving around a particular issue, or practical assistance with a specific task can be great ways to help someone with chronic pain.
It can really help to understand what it’s like for someone with chronic pain, which I’ll be covering in this article, along with how to find out what kinds of support someone may need specifically, to be able to offer a helping hand.
Understanding someone with chronic pain
Pain is invisible, which can make it really hard for people who aren’t experiencing it to understand what it’s like to live with chronic pain.
“But you look fine!”
People suffering with chronic pain often struggle with being misunderstood or disbelieved by those around them.
It is generally easier for others to understand acute injuries, especially when there are visible signs, such as the person wearing a cast or using crutches.
People with chronic pain can often look well to other people, who don’t have personal experience of what it’s like to live with persistent pain daily.
Everyone’s experience of chronic pain is different, and how someone experiences pain will vary across moments in time and according to where they are in their pain journey. But there are general ways of understanding someone with chronic pain:
A person with chronic pain will have had physical sensations of pain for at least three months. They may experience limitations in physical function, which can affect them psychologically and socially. These psychosocial effects of chronic pain can affect their experience of the pain itself.
There can be a lot going on with them under the surface. Their physical pain may well be debilitating, and affect their ability to do their usual daily activities.
They may have limited mobility, and could need some help to do everyday tasks.
If they’ve had to give up things that they were used to doing as part of their role in the family, it can impact their sense of identity.
Severe chronic pain can affect person’s employment status, which can similarly alter them personally, as well as financially. There can also be considerable expenses for special equipment that they may need.
They may not be able to attend social events like they used to, and might find that their social circle shrinks as friends start to fall away.
The physical limitations associated with chronic pain and its consequences can affect a person psychologically, as they can struggle with feelings of loneliness, guilt, anger, frustration, sadness and grief.
It could put a strain on their relationships, and can cause them to become even more isolated.
It’s not uncommon for people with chronic pain to experience issues with mental health due to all the ways the pain impacts on their life.
All of these things then affect how the person experiences their pain.
Again, everyone’s experience of chronic pain and how it affects them is different, but it can be helpful to understand how pain can affect people’s lives generally.
Chronic pain can also change from day to day. One day a person may be able to function fairly normally, the next they might be bedridden. Many people don’t understand this aspect, which can cause them to doubt the severity of someone’s pain.
When helping someone with chronic pain, one of the most important things that you can do is believe them.
With chronic pain (as with any other situation you’re experiencing), if the people around you tell you that what you’re experiencing is not real, it can be psychologically devasting.
With that brief summary of what it can be like to live with chronic pain, let’s move on to cover the ways that you could help.
Find out specifically what the person with chronic pain needs
Understandably, when we’re keen to help someone that we care about, our mind springs into action to think of ways to offer support. But sometimes, we skip over the first important step of just tuning into what they would like or need.
In my experience of helping people as a counselor, it’s often the case that people aren’t immediately sure of exactly what they would like help with.
It can be especially difficult at times for someone who’s experiencing severe pain to articulate what kind of help would be most useful to them at that particular time.
Well intentioned friends and family often make general offers of help, such as, “Let me know if you need anything.”
While it can be comforting to know that people care, unspecific offers of help are usually received well, but things are often left at that by the person in pain.
So, it’s often best to ask questions about how you can help specifically in any given moment.
It could be that the person just doesn’t want to talk about it at that time, in which case just let it be, and leave the option open for them to have your listening ear another time.
You could let them know that it’s ok for them to tell you when they’re not ok. Chances are this will be a comfort for them to know you’re on their team.
Sometimes people need time to build up more trust before they talk about their emotions, as they worry about getting a negative response that will make them feel worse.
The fact that you are giving them your full attention and are listening will be so helpful in itself, and can even affect how intense the pain feels for that person.
“A satisfying interaction can help lessen pain when people are worried about pain… Social interaction…can affect how intense pain feels.”
(Rivera, Parmelee & Smith, 2020)
The kind of help you can then offer will likely fall into one of three broad categories:
- Offering empathy
- Helping with problem solving around a particular issue
- Practical assistance with a specific task
Next, I will talk more about each of these ways of helping in turn.
How to empathize with someone pain
People with severe pain just sometimes want to tell someone, to express it, to have it be seen, and reflected back in the face of another.
Sometimes we can struggle to know how to empathize with someone, or we might confuse showing empathy with offering sympathy.
Sometimes we misunderstand empathizing with imagining what it would be like for us if we were in that situation, but it’s more a case of imagining what it’s like for them. Here’s how to empathize with someone in pain:
To empathize is to see the world through someone else’s eyes. When empathizing with someone in pain, imagine being in the shoes of that person. Ask questions about what it is like for them and listen to how they respond, so that you really get a sense of their experience from their perspective.
If you have ever experienced acute pain, imagine how it must be for them to feel pain for months or years. Think about all of the ways it affects their life.
Consider some of the other aspects of having chronic pain that we covered above, and the ways it could have impacted other aspects of the person’s life.
You don’t have to worry too much about what to say. Being there, really listening is the important thing.
Your body language, facial expression, vocal tone, a gentle touch, and a variety of other things that we naturally do will show the person that you have empathy for them, that you understand and are sitting with them in that moment with their pain.
Sometimes, empathy is the only thing a person with chronic pain needs to help them in that moment. Showing empathy and acceptance of the person’s emotions and experience will validate them. A study in 2015 found that empathy and validation can actually lessen a person’s pain.
Perhaps the person with chronic pain wants to express other painful thoughts or emotions tied in with the pain, and to have someone who is there for them listening attentively with empathy can be a true gift.
Helping the person with chronic pain with problem solving
Perhaps the person you’d like to help wants to talk through a specific issue in order to work out how to solve it, and find a way through it.
Sometimes it can be difficult to think things through clearly while experiencing severe pain mixed with other emotions.
It can be useful to help the person to remember what has helped in similar situations in the past. Encourage them to use those things as a resource to help them deal with the issue.
You might help them to focus on their strengths and on their ability to know what’s right for them and to take action appropriately.
Sometimes people lose sight of their own strengths and resources, and having someone hold firm confidence in their ability to know and do what’s right can be more helpful than giving them advice.
If the person feels really stuck with a problem, it can be useful to help them break things down so that things seem more manageable, and focus in on each part in turn.
You can help them to identify the outcome they most want from the specific situation, and then encourage them to decide on and initiate a process of steps towards it.
Oftentimes, the process of talking things through will help someone be more able to find solutions.
Having you there to prompt them through the process of problem solving, while having confidence in their ability to do so might be all the help they need.
Offering practical help to the person with chronic pain
Sometimes all a person with chronic pain needs is some practical help with a task they need to do.
If you’d like to offer to help with anything practical, agree on a specific task, as they might not be so likely to ask for help with anything after an offer of general help.
Encourage them to build a network of various people who they can call on for different kinds of practical help, so that they don’t feel reliant on just a small group of people.
In my experience, people generally don’t like to feel reliant on anyone for help, and believe they are ‘bothering’ people when they do ask for assistance with anything.
Sometimes they hesitate to ask for things because they fear that a request will be rejected.
It could be useful to encourage them widen their support network, so that they don’t feel like they are ‘putting upon’ any one person too much.
Everyone in their social circle will have different skills, and will be valuable in helping in various situations.
For instance, one particular friend of theirs may enjoy cooking, so might be happy to be called on to help prepare food every now and then.
Someone else might love entertaining children and would enjoy keeping young ones occupied while a parent goes to a medical appointment.
Remind them how well thought of they are by those around them, and how people are generally only too happy to help with practical things when they can.
The person with chronic pain may feel more inclined to call on others for help if they are able to reciprocate in some way, to make it a more mutual arrangement.
Chances are, they’ll be delighted to be asked to use some of their unique skills to help you with something in return.
Conclusion
People with chronic pain have different needs at different times. If you would like to help someone you care about with chronic pain, it’s useful to have an understanding of the kind of challenges they might be experiencing generally.
Ask questions to find out what kind of help they might need specifically at that particular moment. It could be that they just need to be heard, and for someone to show empathy.
At other times they might need help to find a solution to a particular issue, or some practical assistance with a specific task.
Highlight the strengths and resources that they have in order to work through challenging situations.
And hey…
Know that you’re being helpful just by being there with that person – you don’t necessarily need to do things for someone to be helpful to them.
Showing empathy and non-judgemental acceptance is an extremely valuable way of helping anyone, and as we’ve seen, can even help lessen pain’s intensity.
I’m sure the person you are helping will appreciate the fact that you care to have spent time researching ways to be supportive.
Don’t forget to ask them for help in return when you need support too.
If you enjoyed this article, you may also be interested in my posts on living with someone with chronic pain – self-care tips for caregivers, or having a parent with chronic pain. My post on relationships and chronic pain looks at how a person’s relationships with others can affect their experience of pain.
References
Leong, L. E., Cano, A., Wurm, L. H., Lumley, M. A., & Corley, A. M., (2015). A Perspective-Taking Manipulation Leads to Greater Empathy and Less Pain During the Cold Pressor Task. J Pain, Nov;16(11):1176-85.